Eclipse

Step right up and see the mighty magician. Azra Candelabra, perform his most amazing feat yet! Tonight, for one time only (!), Azra will move the moon into the Earth’s shadow! That’s right, folks! Tonight, our most impressive magician on the face of this planet will obscure the full moon – and you will not want to miss it!

Well, now how’s he gonna do that, son? What kind of power does he have to move the moon like that?

Yeah, moon’s pretty far away, I think. What’s he gonna do? Rope it with a string and pull?

Gentleman! You ask questions and tonight you will see all your answers when you come to Azra Candelabra’s most spectacular magic show! Tickets are on sale today for FIVE DOLLARS! Heck, I like you so much, I’ll even give ‘em to you for FOUR-FIFTY! That’s more than HALF-OFF! If you wait ’til tonight, tickets will cost you TEN DOLLARS!! Don’t pay that much tonight! Get your tickets now while they’re still cheap! Remember – this is a once in a lifetime opportunity that you won’t want to miss! Bring the kids and give ‘em a story they’ll be able to pass onto the generations to come! The night Azra Candelabra moved the magnificent moon into the Earth’s shadow and blocked the moon’s light from everyone’s view!!

Five dollars is a lot of money, if you ask me. Circus costs us only three dollars when it comes to town, and we can see lions, tigers, bears, clowns, and those funny people who fly through the air.

Sure, miss, that’s true, but have you seen a lion, tiger, or clown turn off the moon’s light? No? Well, tonight you can!

He’s gotta point, you know. People at the circus can’t move moons. At least no person I’ve ever seen! Boy, I’d like four tickets!

Ah, you’ve gotta point there. You know what? I’ll take two!

Me, too!

I need three!

Step right up to this line folks and tell me how many you need! Don’t forget your Uncle Bob and Aunt Bo! They will surely not want to miss this incredible opportunity to behold the amazing, SPECTACULAR Azra Candelabra turn off the full moon’s light when he blocks it with the Earth’s shadow! Don’t be the odd man out – get your tickets, on sale, right now!

 

- Written on March 14, 2012

Rock band

MOCK AD:

Did you know you can tell the age of a rock, simply by looking at it? Forget about carbon dating…it’s inaccurate and so 19th century. Through a little-known, well-kept secret called rock band dating, the stone masons have been dating rocks very accurately for generations and generations. Now, for no apparent reason, I will bestow this marvelous dating technique on you for FREE! Unfortunately, the rock band method does involve some mathematics. But not to worry! If you buy the rock dating kit for only $19.95, we take care of the math for you. Each rock dating kit comes with two test rocks (dates) to get you started. One of the rocks is oblong and one is shaped like a doughnut. This kit will have you dating rocks in no time!

- Written by Mr. T on August 3, 2011

a Rug

Some people call it a magic carpet, but I don’t. There’s no such thing as magic. This is a flying rug, and without a doubt the best one in production today. The Baby-Baba Model 7RS.

With a top-lateral speed of 250 kmph, the Baby-Baba 7RS literally leaves all other flying rugs in the dust. This is of course due to its super lightweight build and dual micro-jet engines. While these specs are quite impressive, what makes Baby-Baba brand flying rugs truly remarkable is their operating system and user interface. Their slogan, “so easy a baby can drive it,” is true in every word. All of their products are made specifically for babies and the 7RS is no exception. Baby-Baba’s Baby Brain Drive Train uses a dual process design. One processor mimics a baby’s brain and the other is strictly logical. Together they are able to correctly predict the seemingly unpredictable nature of a baby’s mind. As the logical processor is given priority, when the baby decides to make an illogical maneuver, the device will simply deliver a gently electric shock to the baby and continue on its path. Some have nicknamed this system “Darwin Drive” as about 2% of the babies used in testing wouldn’t get with the program and actually shocked themselves to death. Don’t be alarmed, none of the dead babies were American. Thanks to recent trade agreements, most of the babies used in present-day testing are Asian brand because they’re indisputably more intelligent. Of course, not every baby is a smart baby, which is the primary cause of the 2% failure rate. Trust us, most babies are 100% safe to drive the 7RS. Although Baby-Baba doesn’t recommend it, the 7RS will carry a  adult at a maximum speed of 100 kmph. However, the mind of an adult is typically too logical to properly drive the 7RS. Baby-Baba is supposedly considering releasing an adult version of their flying rug, but no official statement has been released as of yet.

CONCLUSION: The Baby-Baba 7RS is a truly remarkable flying rug and is absolutely the safest and fastest model available for babies and children under 12.

PROS: 250 kmph top speed. New dual micro-jet engines. Baby Brain Drive Train (patent pending).

CONS: Not safe for adults. Tested on babies. 2% failure rate (nicknamed Darwin Drive).

MSRP: $249,999.99

Price as tested: $225,000.00

- Written by Mr T. on September 14, 2011

Ivy

The ivy grew long and it grew tall. In fact, no one’s seen ivy grow quite so wildly and this ivy was the talk of the town. It was the Chlorodyne Co.’s masterpiece and they weren’t about to give it up cheap. If you wanted a cutting from the world’s only Chlorodyne Ivy Plant, you or your company would have to fork over about $10,000.00. It didn’t produce any seeds so the one plant was the only one of its kind to take cuttings from.

It was engineered so that second generation cuttings would grow the same. The 2nd gen cuttings would only grow at about the same rate as the standard ivy plant. Well, you can bet that there were some people and organizations that were against what Chlorodyne was doing. “Ivy is meant to grow slowly!” they’d say. “It’s not natural,” they’d say. But the new SUPER ivy plant wasn’t about to be shelved. It was selling like hot cakes and spreading like wildfire! What people didn’t know about this ivy plant though is that it needed more than sunlight to grow. This ivy plant would look for unsuspecting rats, cats, small dogs, etc. to eat. Eventually, enough house pets went missing to raise some questions.

After Cindy Steinberg’s cat went missing, she immediately pointed the finger at Bob Thompson’s prized Chlorodyne Co. Ivy plant. “That’s preposterous!” said Bob. “What kind of question is that anyway? You guys must be really hurting for a story. She’s just jealous that her ivy hardly covers her fence after five years and mine has covered my entire property in less than a week. Her cat probably got hit by a car. She needs to get over it and get real. This isn’t Little Shop of Horrors, for Pete’s sake. Someone needs to tell Miss Steinberg to stop watching so many movies.”

Well, Mr. Thompson, she’s not the only one who’s reported something missing in your neighborhood in the past week. Jim Stevenson’s two-year-old daughter Destiny has disappeared as well, and Fred Fredricksburg can’t find his weed whacker.

“Christ, now you’re implying that my ivy plant ate a weed whacker?”

Mr. Thomson, I’m a reporter, not a scientist. I just report what I see and hear. All I know is that Ivy plant sure looks evil…

- Written by Mr. T on July 16, 2011

Pandora’s Box

Orange County narrowly missed total destruction earlier today when seven-year-old Pandora threatened to open the box that would unleash chaos and pandemonium into the Southern California communities surrounding the much-loved tourist attraction, Disneyland.

Fortunately for Orange County residents and So Cal commuters, the Aquabats were nearby and rushed to save the day.

“We were at a stage off smack dab in the middle of the OC filming our new TV show when we got word of what was going down,” MC Bat Commander announced to the press. “But as soon as we heard Pandora wanted to pry open that box, Hollywood came second to saving our home base.”

When the Aquabats arrived on the scene, they found an angry Pandora in a face off with her mother, Harriet, who was demanding she hand over the box. But Pandora refused.

“Pandora thought the box had her birthday gift in it,” her mother explained. “But that box actually contained the ashes of my evil great-Aunt Portia. She was an awful, hateful witch of a woman who spit on everyone who crossed her path. If Pandora opened that box, all hell would break loose with Portia’s wrath.

Despite the dangers involved in reasoning with a precocious seven-year-old, the Aquabats knew they had to find a way to distract her before the vengeful ghost of evil great-Aunt Portia wreaked havoc on the Inland Empire.

“There wasn’t much time before she pulled open that lid, so we had to act fast!” recalled the Aquabats’ Eaglebones.

The costumed crusaders had only one chance to outwit Pandora, and it had to be good. With time running out, they scrambled to devise a plan – and then Jimmy the Robot had an idea and disappeared into the next door neighbor’s backyard.

Moments later he emerged, trailed by a whimpering Mrs. Cohen, 76, who begged him to be careful with the precious cargo in his arms…three six-week-old kittens,

“Mew,” one of them cried.

Hearing the pitiful meow, Pandora immediately looked away from the box and spotted the tiny, adorable kittens curled in Jimmy the Robot’s large arms.

“Kitties!” she cried, abandoning the box with evil great-Aunt Portia’s remains, which the Aquabats’ Crash promptly confiscated and turned over to Pandora’s frazzled mother.

And so the Aquabats managed to save the day and prevent great-Aunt Portia’s ashes from darkening the sunny skies of Southern California.

Harriet quickly dissolved the entire box of evil great-Aunt Portia’s remains into a tub of lye in the garage while Pandora played house with Mrs. Cohen’s kittens in the backyard. Meanwhile, the Aquabats returned to their sound stage and resumed taping scenes for their new super show.

“I’d say it was a purr-fect ending to the day,” Ricky said happily, as the other Aquabats nodded and agreed.

- Written by Miss A on August 3, 2011

 

Rocking chair

Don’t be fooled by imitations! Rockin’ Chair brand rocking chairs really rock!! Swiss designed and German engineered, there is no substitute. Over the past 20 years, the design team at Rockin’ Chair Industries has been working around the clock to bring you a chair that not only rocks, it rocks so hard that it’s been banned in 15 states and 30 countries around the world. In fact, Rockin’ Chair is the ONLY rocking chair in use by law enforcement and Catholic schools. It’s the ONLY rocking chair certified for use in combat training by the United States Army, Airforce, and Marine Corps and has been the single cause of over 1500 deaths worldwide. That’s right! Rockin’ Chair brand rocking chairs will rock your socks off! Literally!! Where do you think the term came from? Even our 20 horsepower model has been proven to knock the socks off of elderly and children under the age of 5. Our flagship 500 HP model has actually been documented to throw a grown man right through the ceiling into the attack when not using the supplied and recommended seat belt harness. Don’t forget every chair we make here at Rockin’ Chair Industries is equipped with a safety switch, “Granny Setting,” which will allow the user to manually rock their own chair. So this Christmas, give the chair that really ROCKS! Accept no substitute, Rockin’ Chair Brand Rocking Chairs! Call NOW to order yours today!!!

Rockin’ Chair brand rocking chairs not recommended for people over the age of 40 or under the age of 18. May cause seizures, loss of visions, paralysis, or sudden death. May impair the ability to operate a motor vehicle. Please use responsibly.

- Written by Mister T on July 15, 2011