The ivy grew long and it grew tall. In fact, no one’s seen ivy grow quite so wildly and this ivy was the talk of the town. It was the Chlorodyne Co.’s masterpiece and they weren’t about to give it up cheap. If you wanted a cutting from the world’s only Chlorodyne Ivy Plant, you or your company would have to fork over about $10,000.00. It didn’t produce any seeds so the one plant was the only one of its kind to take cuttings from.
It was engineered so that second generation cuttings would grow the same. The 2nd gen cuttings would only grow at about the same rate as the standard ivy plant. Well, you can bet that there were some people and organizations that were against what Chlorodyne was doing. “Ivy is meant to grow slowly!” they’d say. “It’s not natural,” they’d say. But the new SUPER ivy plant wasn’t about to be shelved. It was selling like hot cakes and spreading like wildfire! What people didn’t know about this ivy plant though is that it needed more than sunlight to grow. This ivy plant would look for unsuspecting rats, cats, small dogs, etc. to eat. Eventually, enough house pets went missing to raise some questions.
After Cindy Steinberg’s cat went missing, she immediately pointed the finger at Bob Thompson’s prized Chlorodyne Co. Ivy plant. “That’s preposterous!” said Bob. “What kind of question is that anyway? You guys must be really hurting for a story. She’s just jealous that her ivy hardly covers her fence after five years and mine has covered my entire property in less than a week. Her cat probably got hit by a car. She needs to get over it and get real. This isn’t Little Shop of Horrors, for Pete’s sake. Someone needs to tell Miss Steinberg to stop watching so many movies.”
Well, Mr. Thompson, she’s not the only one who’s reported something missing in your neighborhood in the past week. Jim Stevenson’s two-year-old daughter Destiny has disappeared as well, and Fred Fredricksburg can’t find his weed whacker.
“Christ, now you’re implying that my ivy plant ate a weed whacker?”
Mr. Thomson, I’m a reporter, not a scientist. I just report what I see and hear. All I know is that Ivy plant sure looks evil…
– Written by Mr. T on July 16, 2011